Guess Who's Having an Existential Crisis

In the Burgh, no less.

I started writing this from the Pittsburgh International Airport after spending the past week in town for a work trip, which was fun and well-needed after a few weeks of stress and general grounchiness. Snagging a permanently remote full-time job is probably one of the best things to have happened to me, especially since I get to work with arts organizations in a non-artistic capacity that leaves me energy for creative writing at the end of the workday. It gives me the chance to not spend a significant portion of my time commuting, allows me to travel and work at the same time, and allows me to spend time home with my dog. However, working remotely becomes stifling being at home all the time; not sometimes, all of the time.

This month, after a rather wonderful February (well, at least the first half), I found my little ego getting pulverized as grad school decisions start coming in. There’s a part of me is still holding out on maybe “at least” getting an interview from my top choice school, which had a later deadline that the others, but the truth is the a bunch of well-deserving, qualified people get rejected from grad schools, awards, and production opps every day. The suffering never ends!!!!

Now, after a week of focusing on my job helping small arts non-profits and bonding with my coworkers and one of my closest friends, I feel refreshed and more like myself. It feels like the right time to start planning out another year in Houston and to start reflecting on this whole playwriting thing.

It’s not like I’m going to stop writing. I’m part of two wonderful groups of writers that have been incredibly welcoming and receptive of my writing. I don’t see myself stopping, at least. Obviously, rejection is a demoralizing process, blah blah blah; if you’re reading this, I’m sure I’m explaining a feeling that you’ve already processed and accepted a million times and might be rolling your eyes at this whole thing. To a degree, I’m definitely catastrophizing. But it sucks.

The main goal of my writing isn’t to “leave an impact,” it’s to make people like me feel less lonely in the world. But what if I’m making myself lonelier and more isolated for a craft that may not even pan out? Isn’t my time better spent in focusing on my personal relationships? I watched one movie this week, and the big main message of it was that you’re constantly moving forward, and you can’t grapple with your loneliness unless you do something about to change where you are right now. You can sit down and relax and reflect and take in the moment, but that’s not an excuse to stagnate. I feel like that’s happening right now with my writing. I start a project, and then slowly phase out putting time aside to write it, until I start a new project, with the same themes and same conflicts and same writing. I feel dissatisfied. Another problem with no clear path out.

It wouldn’t kill me to live a little, I realized this past week, meeting new people and seeing new sights. I miss so, so many people. And I miss the kind of person I can be once I learn to trust someone, whether with my writing or the goofier side of my personality. Maybe it’s a matter of extending the same grace I’ve tried to give myself when it comes to personal issues to my playwriting process. Sometimes I’m just not gonna finish things, and that’s okay. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m growing out of this phase — writing angrily and honestly without restraint — that’s given me so much already. Maybe it’s not letting go, it’s just transformation.

Desde acá,

AM

currently watching / reading / listening to:

• Naughty Boys by Yellow Magic Orchestra

  • I’m a big fan of “Kimi Ni Mune Kyun” and “Wild Ambitions” on this album.

• …For the Whole World to See by Death

  • In classic/predictable Alicia fashion, my favorite track of this is “Politicians In My Eyes.” I’m looking forward to trying to track down a copy of Death’s documentary, A Band Called Death (2012).

• The Worst Person in the World (2021) dir. Joachim Trier

  • This is the one I meantioned earlier. Movies that make you realize that you’re growing at a different pace than others… and that’s okay.

• Gideon the Ninth by Tasmyn Muir

  • STILL struggling to get through this one, folks, but not because it’s bad or anything. My brains are simply fried eggs, splattered.